after 8 and a half too-long years, i am done with my dissertation. it has been an albatross, an ordeal, a monkey on my back. i don't know which i felt more strongly on february 20, the day i defended: relief and happiness at finally finishing, or melancholy at those wasted years. i say "wasted" not because i did not learn anything, or that i feel no pride at my accomplishment, but because i feel uncertain i will find an academic job and because i know that had i had real advisory help, i would not have needed so many years.
the lower picture is 9:30 am, just before leaving my sister Karen's place to walk up to campus. poor althea just bumped her leg. the upper photo is of me and my advisors just after we finished, at noon. despite my resentment at their lack of professional ethics (save for the one closest to the camera, professor Kendall), i nonetheless felt somewhat emotional as it came to a close. after all those years, i felt they were for once really engaging me seriously -- at the moment it all comes to an end. its a rather absurd system, actually.
i meant to celebrate with Sara and my brothers over the weekend, but i was exhausted, and nearly came down with the flu. only today, monday, am i almost normal.
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